so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
