I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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