Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
