I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
