My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
