Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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