woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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