Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
