Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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