you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
