I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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