the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
