at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
