Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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