you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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