i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
