you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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