the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's just like the Real World with babies
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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