She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
