tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
