first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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