if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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