The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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