i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
