I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
