captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
