dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
