No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
