based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
we're so committed to being not committed
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
