and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
