the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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