the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
