You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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