So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
