I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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