I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
