Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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