There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How does one acquire holy water?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
