he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
