as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
