dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
