So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
