I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize