Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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