someone get that fucking seahorse.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
