When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
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