as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
