is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
