dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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