so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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