I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
