Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
