how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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