normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
