By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
