mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Randomize
