Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
