did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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