Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
