Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
