Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Bring me that man meat
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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