when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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